What happens next is where the shift in my life starts and everything changes.
As I stated previously, I had a great job as a General Manager of a restaurant, in my second store, just moved into a new apartment and got a puppy. Started my journey to get back into my health and was loving it. Along with my new found love for my fitness also came Personal Development, and let me tell you, this is probably the most important thing I did and continually do.
For anyone who doesn’t know what I mean by personal development, it’s time you set aside everyday to work on yourself, be it spiritual growth, knowledge building or self improvement(mental) awareness. This is something I started to do by reading books on basically, how to stop being such a dink. This is what started the ball rolling on the LIVE my life train. It made me want to be a better me, better my life, become the BEST version of me I could.
Unfortunately not everyone was on the same train. I will not air out dirty laundry publicly, I just don’t. However I will say I finally saw my relationship in a new light, I finally saw what I was doing, I was being co-dependent on someone. I was living tip toeing in fear of hurting someone’s feelings with my true thoughts. I was living on auto pilot in my relationship. And honestly to come to terms with that was very hard, very heart breaking and very real. I couldn’t even think of how to explain my feelings yet alone begin to help someone understand that I just zoomed out, looked at my situation and, well, it wasn’t pretty. I loved this person, and still have love for this person, but they didn’t see the good in my new changes and in the end, I couldn’t continue to keep fighting a losing battle.
There’s a love story in the making here, but it’s not time for that yet, next blog.
The first changes I had to make for myself were to 1. Love myself again 2. Clean out those who didn’t want to help me change for the better and 3. DO IT!
I’m sure this may seem cold to some and that’s fine, I felt very cold at points when it was all happening, but only because I thought of what others’ thought instead of myself, which was how I functioned through life up to present day.
A huge change I had to make for myself during this process was also to forget other people’s thoughts. And notice I don’t say feelings, honestly they’re hardly ever cohesive, THOUGHTS. The thing that’s paralyzed me for years, the very making of my own FEARS, other’s thoughts of me, what I do and how I’m perceived. But finally, I didn’t give a crap; I finally knew I can no longer live for others (this isn’t as easy as I’m making it sound, it took me almost a year to fully turn my “what are they thinking” button off). But I started, and that my friends is the trick. STARTING in the right direction, it’s hard, it’s challenging and it will throw curves all the time, but if you don’t START to make changes to be a better you, you will continue to think about what your life COULD be like if you did this thing, or that thing.
(PS I’m reading START by Jon Acuff, and it’s epic, read it.)