I was always a little chubby growing up, but never fat. I didn’t start getting teased until middle school where I shrugged it off because I was always told how pretty I was and figured they were just mean. Then when I had a friend who struggled with an eating disorder and her sisters before her did as well. She would tell me about it and talk about them and what they did. I would listen and think that’s NUTS! I loved food. ALL food. A LOT! Especially pizza, ice cream, donuts and soda. You know the ESSENTIALS hah.
My mom was always dieting so I had experience with it, even in middle school she was doing the Atkins and our lunches replicated that. But we almost always had unhealthy foods in the house and it was oh so easy to get at any time.
Once high school hit, and the masses of pretty girls who were seemingly perfect, I started noticing, I was overweight. Then one day I saw a picture of myself at the end of 10th grade. I was horrified. I had NO IDEA I looked like that.
I then decided I needed to do something, so I went to my parents. My dad had already planned on starting a program called Power 90 and invited me so I figured hey why not! I started it with him and was so excited, I started eating healthy and working out daily. I lost 40 lbs and was so excited! But I wasn’t skinny like the girls on TV, or at school, I was still chubby.
I didn’t want to be chubby, I wanted to be SKINNY.
So I researched online how to lose weight fast. When I did this it sent me into search after search after search on the fastest ways to lose and how.
Ultimately it led me to restricting what I ate. Working out a lot so I ALWAYS burned more than I ate that day and then some to ensure I lost weight.
This then led to an obsession. To then abusing diet pills, ex lax and pain pills. Now I didn’t use pain pills the way most teenagers my age did. I didn’t even know you could at that point. I was so fixated on losing weight NOTHING else mattered.
I would take pills to get sick, so I could stay home from school and workout all day. I would take pills so I would puke ANYTHING that went into my stomach. Just writing this makes my stomach turn.
I’m a smart kid, I don’t just say that to toot my own horn, I really was. I was a straight A student, I would cry if I got anything less. I was consistently above average. School was easy and at this point (11t/12h grade) I was sliding by with majority of elective courses and already knew I had the credits to graduate, so what did I have to lose?
Well eventually this caught up to me, I was tired, sick all the time and missing a lot of school. But no one seemed to be catching on to my game. So in the eyes of anyone with an eating disorder, I was WINNING hard core!
I had a boyfriend, I had a group of friends I hung out with all the time, I was working as much as I could, I was maintaining my thin figure and was feeling on top of the world.
Until people started telling me things like “Hey you look sick” “Hey you’re really skinny, you should eat” “You eat like a rabbit” At first it was like compliments, but then they turned into little daggers. Ouch.